Who do you speak to and what do you speak about?
I speak to grieving adults concerning getting unstuck from the cement boots of grief. I help people grow through the grieving process, and as I continue to grow, I try to bring others along because it’s a lifelong journey. I really do believe that when you lose a loved one, it’s like an amputation. You heal, but you’re never the same. So my area has been helping people grow through their grief.
That’s a beautiful topic to be speaking on. We need people like you! I would love to know what was happening or not happening in your speaking business that made you sign up for The Speaker Lab?
Well, I wasn’t certain about how to present myself as a speaker in the grief arena. I had written several books and I wanted to go to a different platform to help other people work through their grief. I had been looking at The Speaker Lab’s commercials, introductions, different things, for a couple of years.
And I said, “Well, this is the year. Just go ahead and try it. See where it takes you.” And what it did for me was build my confidence. I had been speaking in different places and my story doesn’t change because my journey is my journey. But The Speaker Lab gave me the confidence that I needed. It gave me the networking team.
My coach Michelle just really helped me celebrate my small successes. And just knowing that other people are doing this as a profession gave me a little boost to say, “Well, you know what? Maybe you should try it and see where it takes you.”
I’m so glad to hear that you said yes. It’s common at the beginning of a journey like this to have some fear, apprehensions, or imposter syndrome.Did you deal with any of that at the beginning? If so, were there ways you were able to overcome that?
Well, when I received my first assignment, the night before I thought, “What did I get myself into?…Suppose it doesn’t go well…” And I had some imposter syndrome – “Why should I be the one presenting this story?”
And I said, “Well, it’s your story. You’re not going to resolve all of their issues, but you’re gonna give them some tools that maybe they can work with.” After the presentation, there was a powerful connection with other people who are grieving.
We all have different types of loss. No loss is the same. No one grieves the same. We had people who had lost children through violence, loved ones through illnesses, so there was a variety of emotions flying all over the place.
I was just there to share my story of whatever grief mode you find yourself in, how you choose to move forward is up to you as an individual. I shared how I move forward and was transparent that it’s hard work and it’s not fun. Death is not fun.
And I was sharing with them that death is hard on the living and we connected. I was glad when it was over, but I was glad I did it.
Yeah, I imagine there was a sense of pride and accomplishment. It feels surreal sometimes to finally be on that stage.So way to go for it. I know you mentioned coaching with Michelle – we would just love to know what were some major aha moments or takeaways that you carry with you from doing the Speak Framework?
Making certain to narrow down my presentation and stay on topic and with a select audience. My audience is adults, and that was one thing that I had shared with the sponsor – that next time I would like to have the children separated from a different room because I speak on such a heavy topic, but I knew parents were coming with children. It was part of the Cleveland Municipal School District, so we couldn’t just really isolate the children. And there were some teenagers who had their own grief they were dealing with, but I felt that maybe my topic was ultimately more for the adults.
So that was an aha moment for me to make certain the audience is where I would like it to be, but if not, still include the children anyway. I would’ve been at a better comfort level with just adults. That’s one thing that The Speaker Lab really emphasizes is knowing your audience, sticking to your topic, having your points solid, so you can bring in what you’re going to share with your audience.
Yes, it’s so helpful to narrow that down. What have been some of your results along the way or any highlights you wanna share about the things you’ve experienced?
I was asked to present to a smaller group based on individuals who were at the first presentation – it was about 20 members of the family that had experienced a tragic loss. They enjoyed the presentation and thought that I could help some of their family members grow through the process.
To me, that was a powerful takeaway that my work was helping other people actually grow through their grief. After that presentation, I was asked to do a groundbreaking for Hospice of the Western Reserve.
That was an experience that I really was a little nervous about. They were going through their capital growth campaign and they were presenting to their major sponsors for an $18 million project. I didn’t want to be one of the speakers; I just didn’t wanna share my story again because each time I share the story, it takes me back to a place that sometimes I don’t want to be. But I figured, well, since they asked, I might as well. What I realized is that I need to just narrow it down and not go through the grieving piece, not describe my family too much.
I gave them enough to work with to convey that I had used the hospice team, but then I went on through the healing process. So that was a piece that I learned for me: Don’t stay in the grief so long. Get towards the healing a little faster. That made the presentation a little lighter for me.
Also, in watching the audience, when people started crying through the presentation, that kind of makes it difficult. So I was like, “They’re not giving me much support here…” but it was a very good experience and they asked me to come back and do part of a commercial for them. It was a lot easier doing the commercial because it could be edited; it wasn’t a live presentation, but I still would prefer a different subject matter than talking about the death of my loved ones. But when you talk about grief, that’s part of the journey.
So it’s been a good experience in building relationships. I did a commercial for Hospice of the Western Reserve in 2013, two years after I lost my mom. And right after the commercial, the one thing I wanted to do was go home and tell mom. The realization that she is gone, it just kind of comes in waves, you know?
I was sharing with them, I really don’t want to be the face for Hospice of the Western Reserve, but then here I am, doing another commercial. But I enjoy the opportunity to meet new people and to share on the journey. I know it’s important to continue to build those relationships.
So that was two commercials for the Hospice of the Western Reserve? Wow. And it sounds like there were a couple speaking gigs then on the way to that as well?
Yes, yes.
Remind me – did you say you were speaking before you did The Speaker Lab? Or are these new experiences for you now?
I was speaking before, I would speak about once a year and it was always on the grief topic and I thought, “Well, I would like to get a new topic,” but my sister mentioned to me, “If you write books on grief, they’re going to ask you to speak on what you write about,” which is growing through grief, overcoming obstacles, how to get through what you’re going through in a healthy manner. That has kind of been my area, so I just kind of stayed within that.
It sounds like people wanna hear you speak on that! It seems like good news ’cause you get to offer healing to them in a way forward through something that is not easy. We need people like you, but I know it is probably complex.
Yes, Michelle kind of helped me through that. She said, “Is it a good growth for you?” And I really had to think about that. Is it too painful to do? But when I narrowed it down in my talk and didn’t focus too much on my mother dying, but got more towards the healing and helping people, it’s been better. I just needed to carve out some of that.
One time, one of the audience members said, “it never gets easy to say, does it?” She noticed that my voice cracked a little when I said, “My mom died on this date.” She said, “I could just feel that you were pushing through that, regardless of how long it’s been.” I said, “You were right.” I gotta pull it together, keep it going, touch it, and move.
But it’s part of my life and I enjoy the responses I get after it’s done. I don’t enjoy going through it, but it’s just part of life and I’m continuing to grow as I help other people. So that’s still part of my healing process.
That’s beautiful. Thanks for sharing that. We’d love to know what your new normal is looking like? How has your life changed since doing The Speaker Lab?
I’ve become more accepting of speaking. I used to get nervous about it, nervous about accepting the gig, but now I don’t get nervous about accepting. If they want you, then just accept it. I get nervous still about speaking, but I’m okay with accepting now. So I’ve gotten the confidence to say yes, reach out to new areas, and even maybe new topics eventually like working through relationships and growth. It has really provided a platform of growth and opportunity to continue to develop in a new area.
That’s good. You keep using the word confidence, which makes me happy to hear because I’m sure you know our aim is to give speakers clarity, confidence, and a clear path forward, so hearing you use the word confidence over and over, well it sounds like we got the job done! We’re at our last question here, Toni. Who would you recommend to The Speaker Lab, and what would you say to them if they were maybe on the fence about it?
People who are willing to come out of their comfort zone and to grow into a new aspect in life. If you have a story to share, get the expertise behind your story and polish it and get the confidence you need to move forward and go for it.
Anything else you’d like to share about your experience?
The entire experience with The Speaker Lab was full of growth, excitement, nervousness, stepping outside of my comfort zone. Getting the website together was an experience that I didn’t want to do, but I’m glad I did it. That was one where to Michelle, I was like, “I can’t do this.” She said, “Yes you can.”
I’m not a technical person, so it was all out of my comfort zone. My thought was, “Now when they turn it over to me, I might need some help…” So I used a graphic designer who helped me. I learned to leave the technical piece to the technical people. And I got more relaxed with it, but was definitely glad when that was done. I felt excited.
Yes, it’s really nice to be able to say, “Here you go, find me on the internet!” And then you can add to it as you go and keep developing it. I’m sure you have some new testimonials to throw on there after these recent engagements you’ve had. Congratulations and thanks for sharing your story with us, Toni!